


Instant Messaging: Clara and the Thing

by TheSaddleman



Series: Instant Messaging [11]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Almost Crack, Between Episodes, F/M, Humour, Psychic Paper, Romance, Some sexual innuendo, Time Babies, whouffaldi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-11-01 11:58:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10921356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSaddleman/pseuds/TheSaddleman
Summary: In which Clara is getting caught up on some marking when she gets messaged via psychic paper by her favourite Time Lord and all manner of strange conversation ensues and the Doctor finds out a secret about an evening with Clara that he'd been trying hard to forget. "When was twice?"





	Instant Messaging: Clara and the Thing

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to [Universe on Her Shoulders](http://archiveofourown.org/users/UniverseOnHerShoulders/pseuds/UniverseOnHerShoulders) for doing the beta read on this and reassuring me it actually made sense!
> 
> This story is what resulted when I went into pure improvisation mode and let the characters guide the conversation. This story touches on topics I normally shy way from (though this is still T rated). I'm not going to make my usual claim of canon compliance with this one!
> 
>  **An apology** : The Instant Messaging series uses an unusual format involving intents, italics and bolds. Sometimes the automated system at AO3 messes up when I upload the story. For a few weeks the formatting on this was all wrong and I was only able to repair it recently. Sorry about that!

_Clara?_

_Are you there?_

    No. Not here.

_Ha ha._

_What you doing?_

    Orwell.

_That a new yoga move?_

    George Orwell, silly. 

    I’m in class and I have the kids reading 

    Animal Farm.

_Sorry I’m interrupting._

    They’re reading to themselves. 

    Gives me quiet time to do marking. 

    Since I didn’t get any done last night.

    As you well know. 

_Yeah, sorry about that._

_I seriously thought we’d just go for coffee._

_In Paris. In 1886. Just for an hour._

_Back in plenty of time._

    We were gone for a month! 

_Well, you know…_

_life happened._

    When life happens to us, space empires tremble. 

    I was so tired when I got home. 

    I forgot all about the marking. 

_Sorry._

_But it was still fun though._

_Right?_

_You, me, saving all creation._

_Again._

    Always.

    Except the hanging upside-down 

    over a pit of lava bit.

    I told you I hate doing that, yeah? 

_Good for the circulation._

_Strengthens the ankles._

_Tightens the..._

    But not right after dinner! 

_Point taken._

_Still, one more thing off your_

_bucket list, right?_

    I could have used a bucket.

    Armitage noticed, by the way. 

_Noticed what?_

    When I came in the next morning. 

    I’d lost weight 

    and my hair was longer. 

_People do lose weight._

_And their hair does grow._

_I should talk._

    But not overnight! 

    OK, you maybe. Not me! 

    I’d lost nearly a stone! 

    Had to talk my way out of 

    a visit with the school nurse. 

_Glad she didn’t pry._

_She might have noticed the…_

_…Thing._

    What Thing? 

    And why is Thing capitalized? 

_…_

    Doctor … what Thing? 

_Forget I said it._

_So, I was thinking of taking you to_

_Titan for our next trip..._

    Doctor, what Thing? 

_It’s a Thing you might get_

_when you travel with me._

_It’s mostly harmless._

_Forget about it._

    What, are you contagious? 

_Not always._

    Have I got some sort of… 

    …oh god.... 

    …space herpes? 

_Space what?_

_Now how could you get_

_space herpes from me?_

_I’m not saying there is_

_such a thing as space herpes, mark you._

_Not anymore._

    But there could be. 

    You and me, we’ve… 

    gotten very close at times. 

    You know… 

_Clara, I do not have_

_space herpes!_

    Will the NHS even cover that? 

    How do you cure space herpes? 

    Oh my god, can it be cured? 

    Have I caught some incurable 

    disease from being with you? 

_Clara, will you calm down?_

_You do not have space herpes!_

    OK, deep breaths, Oswald. 

_That’s the ticket._

_In, out. In, out._

    So I’m pregnant, then. 

_WHAT?_

    That has got to be it!

    Pregnant with a little time baby. 

    Is that it? 

_No!_

_How can you be pregnant_

_with a time baby?_

    You’re the Time Lord. 

    Maybe you waggle those eyebrows 

    and I’m away to the races. 

    And don’t forget 

    there was that one time we… 

_Don’t be daft._

_And it was twice._

    When was twice? 

_Huh?_

_What do you mean_

_‘When was twice’?_

_You were there!_

    First time was on the train… 

    Second time … 

    … 

    Oh, right. After the Drum.

    Twice then. 

_It was that horrible a memory_

_you blocked it out?_

    No, just … 

    forget it … 

_Clara…_

    I wasn’t myself. Literally. 

_What do you mean?_

    I never told you. 

    … 

    That was Bonnie. 

_**WHAT?** _

    Before the Zygon uprising. 

    Bonnie did a trial run. 

    Replaced me when you weren’t looking. 

    It was actually her that night after the Drum. 

_And you’re just telling me now?_

    Would you have believed me? 

_But how did you find out?_

    I realized the second time she impersonated me.

    I got inside her mind. 

    I’d thought it was a dream before 

    but it turned out it was real. 

    … 

    But it was a nice dream. 

_I’m sorry, Clara._

    It wasn’t your fault.

    Bonnie was very good. 

_You don’t know the half of it._

    Pardon? 

_Never mind._

_And here I thought…_

_you just didn’t want to talk about it._

_So I decided to forget it, too._

_Didn’t want it to change anything._

_..._

_Can we talk about something else?_

    Sure. 

_Calmed down yet?_

    About what? 

_Me not giving you space herpes._

    Oh, that... 

    $#!^! $#!^! $#!^! $#!^! 

_What’s wrong!_

    … 

_Clara?_

    Damn! 

_What?_

    Of all times for Courtney to 

    look over my shoulder.

    Now she’s telling everyone

    the caretaker gave me space herpes! 

_Oh no!_

_But I didn’t!_

_I just said what you said._

    I hope the class just thinks 

    she’s taking the piss again. 

    But everyone’s looking at me funny. 

    Again. 

_Situation normal, then._

    If Ofsted ever hears of this… 

_Sorry about the space herpes_

_that I never gave you._

    You do know I was just joking, right? 

_You were?_

    Honestly, Doctor. 

    I can play you like a violin. 

_Well…_

_You were very… convincing._

    Admit it. 

    You totally fell for it. 

    Takes talent to fake a panic attack 

    on psychic paper. 

    You even fell for the Bonnie thing. 

_What?_

    Zygon body-swap rehearsal? 

    Seriously? 

    Did Bonnie stow away on the TARDIS 

    when we went to the Drum? 

    And waited till you changed history? 

_So that was…_

    Yes. 

_Then why did you pretend…_

_it never happened?_

    I saw you were uncomfortable. 

    Couldn’t look me in the eye. 

    Thought we made a mistake. 

_I guess we did._

    I don’t know why. 

_There are some lines_

_we shouldn’t cross._

    Yet we crossed that line twice.

    Both times because 

    we thought we’d lost each other. 

_I’m worried about that._

_Because it’ll make it harder when..._

_…you know…_

_…it finally does happen._

    Don’t want to think about that. 

_Me neither._

_But I’m glad it was really you._

    I’m sorry for making a joke of it. 

    Didn’t quite come off like I hoped. 

    But I know you were joking about 

    me having ”The Thing,” too. 

_How do you know I’m joking?_

    I just pulled the wool over 

    your eyes, big time. 

    I’m that good. 

_Egomania, thy name is Clara._

    Damn straight.

_OK, you don’t have a Thing._

_It’s not as if your school_

_has a scanner capable of_

_checking your lymphocites_

_for radiation mutation, anyway._

    My lympho-what-now? 

_Best forget it._

_If you wake up with an_

_extra belly-button, call me._

_I’ll sort you out._

    O…kay. 

_I take it you made up_

_that bit with Courtney, too._

    Er, no … that was real.

    Unfortunately. 

    You might want to lay low 

    from Coal Hill for a while. 

    Oh, look, Courtney just texted me

    a URL for a clinic.

    Can we leave her with Missy 

    just for a few days? 

_Missy doesn’t deserve her._

    Sadness.

    So, we on for next Wednesday? 

_It is Wednesday._

    No, it’s Friday. 

_For you maybe._

_…_

_And there you are._

    And there who are? 

_Say hello to the teacher, Clara._

         **Hi, Clara.**

    Who the hell is that? 

         **Guess.**

    Are you kidding? 

    Isn’t there some rule about this? 

         **We’re going to have the best time.**

_Aren’t we ever!_

_Just you and me._

          **Let’s not keep the king waiting!**

    Hey! 

_Sorry, are you still there?_

    Of course I am. 

    Where are you, are we going? 

_To borrow a phrase..._

         **Spoilers!**

    Stop making me jealous of myself! 

         **Heh heh**

_So where do you want to go after the king?_

    Well, I think... 

         **He wasn’t talking to you.**

    I’m getting a headache. 

_Sure it’s not space herpes?_

_OW! What was that for?_

         **Revenge from earlier me.**

    Thanks! 

         **Us Ozzies have to stick together**. 

    Ugh. 

         **Yeah, totally not saying that again.**

    I give up. 

    Go and have fun, you two. 

    And you, short stuff … 

_Yes?_

    The other short stuff! 

    No exotic social diseases, OK? 

         **No guarantees!**

_Bye, bye, Clara!_

_See you soon._

**Author's Note:**

> There were two moments during the Twelve-Clara relationship where if it were any other TV series they probably would have ended up in bed at some point: during or after the events of Mummy on the Orient Express (which remains the most "adult" Doctor Who episode ever produced, at least as of midway though Series 10 as I post this), and after Before the Flood, the episode in which Clara basically told the Doctor to his face (or, at least, to his Facetime) that she loved him. As I said in my opening notes, I'm not making any claim to this being canon compliant. Consider this a mental exercise!
> 
> The bit about the mutation at the end is from Torchwood, which reveals that people who travel in the TARDIS are physically altered on a cellular level.


End file.
